The book Dangerous Love opens with a Māori proverb that I hold dear.

About a decade ago I did a workshop with a group of Māori, the indigenous people from the country of Aotearoa, or New Zealand.  After I had finished the workshop, one of their leaders told me that what they had learned reminded him of the proverb.

He aha te mea nui o te ao?
He tāngata! He tāngata! He tāngata!

(What is the most important thing in the world?
It is people! It is people! It is people!)

In their wharenui (a large ceremonial building) you will see carvings of their ancestors, all standing on one another’s shoulders. They believe that they would not exist without all that their ancestors had done to build the foundations that they walk on today.  They honor them.  They all can recite their ancestral lineage.  And they believe that they are still, quite literally, connected to them. 

This connection is what’s most important to a Māori.  It cannot be broken.  It is in one’s DNA.  There is no me.  Only we.

Peter Raible wrote:

“We build on foundations we did not lay
We warm ourselves by fires we did not light
We sit in the shade of trees we did not plant
We drink from wells we did not dig
We profit from persons we did not know
This is as it should be.
Together we are more than any one person could be.
Together we can build across the generations.
Together we can renew our hope and faith in the life that is yet to unfold.
Together we can heed the call to a ministry of care and justice.
We are ever bound in community”

When we are conflict, self-preservation tells us that “Me” is all that matters. In moments of self-deception, we begin to believe that I can be separated from others  by turning others into an It. 

Philosopher Martin Buber argued that no matter what we are doing and who we are with, we are always in the world in either an “I-Thou” or “I-It” way. 

Buber described an I-Thou relationship as a symmetrical one.  In the relationship, you and I count the same.  We both have needs, wants, fears, hopes, and desires, and yours are no better or worse than my own.  You are as real to me as I am to myself.   

The I-It relationship is an asymmetrical one.  You are no longer a Thou.  You are an It.  Your needs, wants, fears, hopes and desires are not as valuable as mine are.  You are somehow less than I am — less real, less important. Or perhaps, in certain manifestations, you are more than I am — more real, more important.

In both cases, I-Thou and I-It, we are still in relationship.  However, we are connected in two very different ways.  One offers the possibilities of collaboration, joy, and love.  The other offers pain, suffering, and anguish.  But nonetheless, we are always connected.

Understanding that connection is the key to bridging the gap between love and fear in conflict. Buber believed that this connection, I-Thou and I-It, ultimately colored how we see others and the world around us.  It dramatically redefines the stories we tell about ourselves and one another.  It controls our perception.

We are connected either in constructive ways, or in destructive ways. 

Seeing others as Its is at the heart of the smog view of conflict.  How can I successfully transform a conflict with an It – a disrespectful, selfish, unkind, unreasonable, overemotional, defensive person? Even more basic, how can I love someone like that? That’s not dangerous love.  It’s stupid love.

Seeing people as Its immediately invites fear and selfishness in a way that stifles collaboration. It invites a hyper focus on self that ignores the realities and needs of others.  That’s why the Arbinger Institute refers to this sort of view of others as an “inward mindset.”   The focus remains firmly on me at a time when it desperately needs to include us and hinders our ability to effectively problem solve.

However, if I can recover my ability to see other people as Thous I then see both them and conflict differently.  The straight and narrow path of the smog view opens wide.  My new view offers possibilities, opportunities to be creative, understanding and empathy, humility and forgiveness.  It literally changes everything.