Why "Dangerous Love"? by Chad Ford

WHY "DANGEROUS LOVE"?

01 Conflict Feels Dangerous.

We avoid it if we can. If we can’t, we prepare for war. We build walls to protect us from the impending harm – emotionally and physically — we fear is coming. Fear in conflict can manifest itself in many ways. Fear of conflict. Fear of the people I am in conflict with. Fear of emotional or physical pain. Fear of not being loved or seen the way we want to be seen. Yet, despite our fear of conflict, it plagues our personal and professional relationships.

We avoid it if we can. If we can’t, we prepare for war. We build walls to protect us from the impending harm – emotionally and physically -- we fear is coming. Fear in conflict can manifest itself in many ways. Fear of conflict. Fear of the people I am in conflict with. Fear of emotional or physical pain. Fear of not being loved or seen the way we want to be seen. Yet, despite our fear of conflict, it plagues our personal and professional relationships.

02 Knowing how to transform conflict is critical.

But generally, we are terrible at it – and we know it. And when we let that fear of conflict, and the people we are in conflict with, take hold, our ability to actually solve the problems that underlie conflict diminish dramatically. In fact, one way to define conflict is simply to say that conflict is our inability to collaboratively problem solve with other people. But what if there was a way to see conflict, and the people we are in conflict with, differently? What if we could learn how to love the people we are in conflict with through the conflict?

But generally, we are terrible at it – and we know it. And when we let that fear of conflict, and the people we are in conflict with, take hold, our ability to actually solve the problems that underlie conflict diminish dramatically. In fact, one way to define conflict is simply to say that conflict is our inability to collaboratively problem solve with other people. But what if there was a way to see conflict, and the people we are in conflict with, differently? What if we could learn how to love the people we are in conflict with through the conflict?

03 Yes. Love.

I know that’s an odd word to pair with conflict. Let alone the pairing of the words “dangerous” and “love.” But I think it’s the critical word and it is too often missing in books about conflict resolution.

I know that’s an odd word to pair with conflict. Let alone the pairing of the words “dangerous” and “love.” But I think it’s the critical word and it is too often missing in books about conflict resolution.

04 No, I am not talking about romantic love.

Nor the type of love that really means like. I’m talking about the love that allows us to see the humanity of another person so clearly that their needs and desires matter as much to me as my own. The sort of love that illuminates a path toward conflict transformation. When that sort of love takes hold, our views — of ourselves, others, and the conflict itself — transform. We no longer see enemies or others in conflict. We see us. It takes that level of care and concern toward the people we are in conflict with to truly solve the most difficult, intractable challenges we face in life. It takes that type of love to mend relationships in our families. To overcome gridlock in the workplace. To solve for deep partisanship in our communities and countries. To collaborative problem solve with our adversaries internationally.

Nor the type of love that really means like. I’m talking about the love that allows us to see the humanity of another person so clearly that their needs and desires matter as much to me as my own. The sort of love that illuminates a path toward conflict transformation. When that sort of love takes hold, our views -- of ourselves, others, and the conflict itself -- transform. We no longer see enemies or others in conflict. We see us. It takes that level of care and concern toward the people we are in conflict with to truly solve the most difficult, intractable challenges we face in life. It takes that type of love to mend relationships in our families. To overcome gridlock in the workplace. To solve for deep partisanship in our communities and countries. To collaborative problem solve with our adversaries internationally.

05 What is dangerous love?

It’s exactly what it sounds like. It choosing love over fear in the face conflict. It is choosing we over me. Fear is about self-preservation. Dangerous love is about us-preservation. Dangerous love transcends that fear. It transforms conflict by calling upon us to let go of self-concern: “What will happen to me if l let down my walls and help the person I’m in conflict with” and embrace us-concern: “What will happen to us if I don’t?” And while many people hear the word and think “soft” — it is anything but soft. There is nothing “safe” in dangerous love. Dangerous love requires more than courage, it demands fearlessness. It is scary. It takes risks. There will be casualties.

It’s exactly what it sounds like. It choosing love over fear in the face conflict. It is choosing we over me. Fear is about self-preservation. Dangerous love is about us-preservation. Dangerous love transcends that fear. It transforms conflict by calling upon us to let go of self-concern: “What will happen to me if l let down my walls and help the person I’m in conflict with” and embrace us-concern: “What will happen to us if I don’t?” And while many people hear the word and think “soft” -- it is anything but soft. There is nothing “safe” in dangerous love. Dangerous love requires more than courage, it demands fearlessness. It is scary. It takes risks. There will be casualties.

06 It calls upon us to be vulnerable enough.

To open ourselves up with no guarantee that the person or people on the other side of the conflict will do the same. No, dangerous love isn’t safe or guaranteed … but it is, on the whole, remarkably effective in transforming our conflicts because it creates space for us to truly see the people we are in conflict in a way that fundamentally changes the dynamics of conflict. I have come to believe this is the only way that we truly transform the conflict in our lives – not only in our families, workplaces and local communities, but also within and between nations.

To open ourselves up with no guarantee that the person or people on the other side of the conflict will do the same. No, dangerous love isn’t safe or guaranteed ... but it is, on the whole, remarkably effective in transforming our conflicts because it creates space for us to truly see the people we are in conflict in a way that fundamentally changes the dynamics of conflict. I have come to believe this is the only way that we truly transform the conflict in our lives – not only in our families, workplaces and local communities, but also within and between nations.

DANGEROUS

LOVE

Transforming fear and conflict at home, at work, and in the world.

AVAILABLE NOW!

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Chad Ford

This book is about everything I’ve learned in the last 15 years working as a conflict mediator, professor and researcher trying to understand why I, and others, struggle through conflict and how to solve it. Dangerous Love explains why we struggle with conflict. How we disconnect from the people at the very time we need to be most connected to them. The predictable patterns of justification and conflict escalation that ensue. And most importantly, it gives us a path to let go of fear in the face of conflict.

This book is about everything I’ve learned in the last 15 years working as a conflict mediator, professor and researcher trying to understand why I, and others, struggle through conflict and how to solve it. Dangerous Love explains why we struggle with conflict. How we disconnect from the people at the very time we need to be most connected to them. The predictable patterns of justification and conflict escalation that ensue. And most importantly, it gives us a path to let go of fear in the face of conflict.